Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I've been holding this post for a couple weeks now, and I've read and re-read and re-re-read just to be sure that it said what I was feeling. I was going to post it this week anyway, but a couple days ago, I got some news that has really cleared up a lot of confusion as to "what" happened. I'm still confused as to "why" it had to happened, but I may never know the answer to that one. Suffice it to say that my feelings remain the same and I wish with everything I have that someday she understands!

I finally figured out some of what's been happening for the last year, with Ms. H. We've been playing a long and tiring game of "H Wins". And she has!! Won, that is. I still have no idea how it came to be, or what actually happened to start it. We're (R and I), as far as I can tell, still the same as we ever were, but something happened and it changed the way she feels, and she changed. And because of the confusion, feelings started getting hurt, and the games began, but I can't/won't do it any more. I can't stomach the thoughts of one more day of playing the games, of being reduced to being the one to prove my long held theory that you never get out of 6th grade. I hate that I've been a part of: "Who called last?" "Who can wait the longest to pick up the phone?" "Let's see if I can leave a message so that the ball will be in her court." "I called and you don't have anything to say, but at least I tried!" stupid, childish games and I should know better...

Yeah, I lost. I admit it. I played the game and I Hate myself for it. BUT NOW I quit, I forfeit, I'm done!! I lost, and it hurts about as much as anything I've ever had to endure. I lost a friend, I lost a relationship that had come to mean so very much to me & that I thought was reciprocated. I lost the nearest thing I've ever had or probably will have to being a daughter. I've lost the anticipation of nightly phone calls, "just so she can sleep". I've lost the excitement of getting to hear the smallest details of her day and the fun of sharing the details of mine. I've lost the pride of introducing her as my "almost, kinda sorta daughter" and I've lost the fun of telling people about her acomplishments and the plans for her future. I've lost the joy of sharing her with my family and friends and watching them pull her in and surround her with love because she's "mine". I've lost the opportunity to share my ideals, value's and dreams with someone who might find something they can use in their own lives. I've lost the chance to continue trying to make her understand what an amazing person she already is, and the person she has the potential to become if she'd only just find some self confidence, and be true to the person she has been in the past. I've lost all this due to some mysterious and unknown "ghost" that I can't do anything about.

The one thing I haven't lost is HOPE!! I HOPE she continues to WIN!! I HOPE she becomes a bright shining star in the world of tomorrow! I HOPE that she finds what she's looking for in life, EVERYTHING she's looking for. I HOPE that she finds peace and joy in the things she does. I HOPE she will be careful to surround herself with people who are good and kind and honest and GODLY and who will respect her as she deserves and not use her for their own gain. I HOPE she finds TRUE LOVE someday and that she gets to experience the joys of marriage and a life spent with someone who becomes the other half of her whole. I HOPE she knows that she always has a home to come to. And I HOPE she'll never be afraid to come home if she needs to. I HOPE that someday our relationship can be, if not the same as it was, then reborn into something better. I HOPE with all my HEART that someday she will look back and know in her soul that she has been truly loved and cared for by at least two people who have very little in the way of material things to give, but who want nothing FROM her, and wish nothing but the best FOR her. AND I HOPE AND PRAY that GOD will watch over her and guide her and keep her safe for the rest of her life.

I will not give up this HOPE. I will continue to try to stay in touch and keep up with her and always let her know that I'm out here if she needs me. And I will continue to pray!! But I WILL NOT continue to play the game.

1 comment:

mygirlsmom2 said...

You are such a wonderful person and I love you. I hate that "H" has hurt you. She will come back, they all do.